Tick Tock

Tick tick by Marissa J. 5/19/2016

It’s the sound of a clock whispering tick tock sitting on my ear drum. No one else can hear it but me. Beats so loud it consumes my mind. It takes over my thoughts, my actions and my words. It’s a matter of time but not ready to face it or embrace it, digs deep in the heart and up through my rib cage. Stinging pain, but leaves no scars, hollow walls leaves no room for heartbreak and no time for heartache. Setting down the chains and breaks all the barriers leaving nothing behind but memories, hit by the past, wounds too deep to heal. Tick tock goes the clock time is up, too late to mediate. Don’t need to hesitate. The chance was there I blew it, I couldn’t get through it, fits of rage, stuck in a cage, never gonna escape it I might as well face it. The internal battle, fighting for my life or fighting for no life at all. Struggling to breathe with no one around me, the silence is piercing no one here to save me. Everyone leaves cause I’m too crazy, burden too big to carry, I’m all alone, left in the darkness, silenced, broken, bad hand dealt so I’m folding. Tick tock goes the clock, it’s ticking away. I’m fading fast, the lights are dimming, chances are slimming. The taste in my mouth is bitter, vision is blurry, the walls are closing in on me, losing all sense of reality. I want to go back but I’m Not sure how, gone too far
Now, reaching out for hands to pull me through it, listening for someone to beg me not to do it. On my knees, folding my hands, bowing my head, shouting “Lord save me.” Tears hitting the floor, just when I think I have reached the end, a gentle touch hits my shoulder, wiping tears off my cheeks, scoops me up, cradles me against his chest, the time clock starts ticking again, ticking so loud, I know I’m alive, my pain is gone, able to breathe, but who is holding me? Who Came to save me? His chest so tight to my head, face buried, body and soul carried, touches me and holds me… I hear His heartbeat……tick tock…….love so real, so powerful, beyond measure, deep, far and wide, His love is not blind, my heart is not dead and I finally realize……… I am loved. I. Am. Loved.

Not a train-wreck, just off the tracks.

I was having a really good day today until this happened. No, not the super slow train that eventually came to a stop while I trying to get home because my 5 year old was screaming relentlessly at me about how hungry she was. Nope, wasn’t the train that made me have a bad day. The train spoke to me.

Yes, you heard right. The train spoke to me…. Okay okay, so the train didn’t actually utter words with its mouth, for one, trains don’t talk, and for two the mouth would have went by miles before I got there. God spoke to me through a train today.

I was having a great day today like I said before, cleaning my kitchen, listening to Christian music and getting it done! I then was told something that totally hit me from left field. Someone I had confided in completely eradicated my trust in them. Most of the contentions spoke about me were either untrue or were “telephoned,” you know that game played when you were younger. You whispered something into someone’s ear and some ignoramus spoke it different and threw off everything and by the end the Phrase “I love you” turned into “I love olive juice?” If you didn’t play it you must not have been cool.

Anyway, I was livid and I knew that if I didn’t cool down, I was going to derail. I was going to say things I couldn’t take back, I was going to break the trust that person had in me. So I went home.

I took the road I always take to get home to avoid traffic and lights, I wanted to get home fast. Fast for what? I don’t know.

Well lo and behold upon approaching the train tracks there was a train moving slower than the turtle I saw just minutes before. (I really should have stopped and helped that creepy lizard looking thing cross the road)
I waited… And waited and waited. I was actually trying to check out all the graffiti on the sides of the train, wondering what those people were doing or trying to do to get their point across. (Maybe I would put this person on blast with graffiti for talking about me like this) “shut up Marissa, 70×7, get over it.” Cars behind me were backing up and driving off not wanted to wait. Cars on the other side were doing the same. The whole time I was thinking “man, doesn’t anyone have any patience, why is everyone in a hurry all the time.” A man stepped out of his car and started walking towards the train on the other side. I could only see glimpses of him every time there was a gap when the bogies passed. At first I thought I was going to witness a suicide and then I realize he was only looking to see when it ended. I just knew I wanted to get home but I was patient enough to wait. Or was I? ….”mom I’m really hungry can you just drive through it?” *really kid? sure let me just drive through the moving train* ugh I really wanted to just wait, go the way I wanted, down the same road I always do, and go home and cool off. This stupid train was in my way!

I started hearing screeching noises and at first I was sure I missed the man jump in front of it. It started slowing way down and screeching the whole way and I read the word “jesus.” Now I know the artist behind this wasn’t spraying this train in hopes that the Lord would touch the lives of everyone who had the privilege to sit and wait to watch this train speed by. This persons name more than likely was the Spanish name for jesus (pronounced hasoos) so I started thinking, here I am sitting here waiting for this train because I thought I was being patient in the midst of my anger. But where was I going to go now? The train had derailed and I couldn’t go through it, I couldn’t just get out of my car and walk home. So I turned my car around and went another way.

I was angry, I was ready to put someone on blast and potentially ruin their lives and my life as well, because the angry person says “if I’m going down, you are going down with me.” But Jesus spoke to me through and train and said:

“My child, you may be angry, you may be hurt, and you may want revenge, let me show you another way, do not derail, do not wait, I am here now to tell you there is another way.”

Sometimes doing things your way and taking the way you always take, going down the paths you always take, getting hot headed and acting on impulse isn’t the best way. Sometimes you need to stop, park, listen, and see what God is telling you. If you try to do it your way, you will derail and your ways will Come to a screeching halt. Some days He will give you the choice to go your way or His way, and some days He will just know that He needs to interfere and put a train in front of you and make you go His way.

(What’s funny is that this person called me a train wreck” nope, just a little off the tracks thanks)
Romans 12:19
Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

6/6/16 Marissa J.

Suicide By Life

Find me face down on this cold floor

 

I told you I could take it no more

 

Look at me covered with the darkest red

 

You completely ignored every word I said

 

You were deaf to my piercing screams

 

You were blind to my self inflicted means

 

I was too numb to feel and pain

 

If I had the choice I’d do it again

 

I could not hold onto this mangled mess

 

I’ve felt this way forever i must confess

 

The stinging pain I could not bare

 

To you it might seem so ruthlessly unfair

 

I’m sorry for all that I have put you through

 

Saving me was not and option for you

 

I could not love and I could not feel

 

There was not enough time for my heart to heal

 

Love is not why i could not breath another breathe

 

Life is why I’ve succumbed to my own death

 

May 4th 2009, M.E Kang

Not Since You

I’ve spent hours alone

Feeling hopeless and sad

Having doubts about life

It’s just been too bad

 

I have sworn off love

Wore my heart on my sleeve

Heart was cold as ice

I didn’t want to believe

 

You walked into my life

Grabbed my heart and soul

I knew you’d be the one

To make me feel whole

 

The moment I saw you

I smiled from ear to ear

Nothing could harm me

I had no fear

 

Whatever life brings us

Here or wherever

I’ll love you now

And I’ll love you forever

 

I couldn’t imagine

Life being so great

Without you by my side

As my soul mate

 

April 2013  M.E Kang

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kiss Me Goodbye

 

Kiss me goodbye

One last time

Tell me you love me

Don’t ask why

 

Kiss me goodbye

Whisper in my ear

Tell me your secret

Look me in the eye

 

Kiss me goodbye

Squeeze me tight

Smell my scent

Don’t you cry

 

Kiss me goodbye

I cant be yours

Time to let go

time to fly

 

Kiss me goodbye

Ill love you always

It will never end

It will never die

 

kiss me goodbye

love of my life

my best friend

my only guy

December 12/2014 M.E. Kang